I DIDN’T, AGAIN!
Do you recognize this? You visited your doctor and when you walk towards the exit, you realize: “I didn’t ask everything I wanted to know, again!”.
How is it that some people ask everything that pops into their mind, without any hesitation, while others find it difficult to even think of the right questions, let alone ask them to the right person?
I experienced this up close and personal when my mother turned out to be very ill. Preparing for the hospital visit, she had several questions, and even wrote them down. But in the conversation with the doctor she did not have the courage and/or the presence of mind to ask them. And when she did have the nerve to ask a few important questions, she did not remember exactly what the answers were by the time she got home, or my father had understood something completely differently than she did.
ONE SOLUTION: BRING A SECRETARY 😉
In the end she solved this by having my sister Jeannette accompany her to these doctor’s visits and discuss the list of questions with her up front. Jeannette made sure that all questions were asked, that the doctor answered them in understandable language and wrote the answers down, so Mom could read them later. But of course, not everyone has the opportunity to bring their own secretary to every hospital visit.
WHAT MADE IT HARD FOR MY MUM
I coached my mother in her coping with her illness and we decided to deal with this.
First, we determined what the causes were:
• It was very important to learn that Mom looked up to the doctor. As a simple girl from a traditional working class family in a small rural village, born in the 30s, she felt inferior to a learned man. She was sure he would find her questions stupid.
• She also knew the doctor was a very busy man: he always ran behind schedule. So, she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to misuse his scarce time, many more people were waiting.
• The stress of her illness also played tricks on her. She had cancer and was very scared she would die soon. That also meant she wasn’t at her best during those conversations with the doctor.
ANOTHER SOLUTION: ME, YOU AND A FLY ON THE WALL
I decided to use the ‘3 perceptual positions’ (1 = Me, 2 = The other, 3 = An independent observer).
1. In her own living room, I asked her to write down the most important questions that she wanted answered during the next doctor’s visit.
2. I asked her to imagine herself sitting in the doctor’s office (I indicated where he sat, opposite of her on the other couch) and I let her ask the questions out loud, one after the other, with the help of her notes.
3. Then I asked her to take place in the chair of the doctor and to pretend that she was him. I helped her by asking what kind of man he was, his age, if he was nice or not, etc.
4. I addressed her as ‘Doctor Smeele’ and, sitting where she had just been sitting as herself (the patient), asked the list of questions and asked her how those questions (as ‘doctor’) came across.
5. She responded immediately with: “Well, actually not strange at all. I actually understand that Mrs. Lucas worries and that she has questions only I can answer.”
6. Then I asked her to move over on the couch and to observe the same conversation between the doctor and the patient as an observer, and to tell me what she thought. Without any hesitation she said: “I think it is very important that this lady asks these important questions, because now she has the opportunity. And of course the doctor is prepared to answer those questions. It is also in his interest, because he has to make sure she understands what she gets into with this surgery.”
By stopping to think for others, from her own position (and really stepping into the shoes of the other), she was capable of nuanced, more objective reasoning and to see that her fears were not realistic.
DO IT YOURSELF!
And, as always, you can do this yourself, so try it! The most important steps:
1. Make a list up front with everything you want to say to your doctor (or any other person), of all the questions that you have and all the topics you want to discuss. Leave sufficient space to write down the answers.
2. (Literally) step into the shoes of the doctor and imagine how he or she would perceive these questions. Adjust the list, if necessary, so you can address everything very clearly.
3. Use your notes during the conversation. You can even read the questions from your notes and explain what kind of notes you made and how you will use it.
4. Write down important answers, so you can read them afterwards.
5. Thank the doctor for his patience (he probably will not understand what you are talking about; answering questions form patients is one of his most important tasks!)
Let me know how this helps you and please don’t hesitate to ask any question, share any experience, success or problem in the comment box below!
With warmest regards,
Koen Lucas, Health Coach
koen@copingwithparkinsons.net